The Boy from Ireland
How many times do you need to make the same mistake before you will correct yourself? As you've read in previous posts I've been seeking validation through romantic encounters. Yesterday, I fell into old patterns and found myself getting let down again. I met up with a handsome guy from Galway, Ireland who is in Berlin working. He took me to a nice Indian restaurant, we shared stories and laughs over dinner and drinks and decided to head out from there. We went to the grocery store to grab wine and head to a park. We had planned to go out to a bar close by his place once we had finished the wine. It was dark by this point, but we didn't seem to care, as there wasn't a break in silence the whole night. I remember at one point I casually put my hand on his leg as we were talking. I didn't really think about it. He looked at me and said, "How about we go to the bar tonight, as friends?" I was initially embarrassed. The date had seemed to be going well. He kept making comments throughout the night, acknowledging how much better our evening was going than a date he recently had. I figured we were both jiving.
After the initial embarrassment wore off, I started spiralling into my usual pattern of thought. I told myself he wasn't interested in me because I'm fat, and kept going from there. He noticed that I was quiet, and started telling me how terrible he felt now. Everything he was saying just kept sounding like excuses he was piling on to make me feel better about the fact that he just rejected me. I'm sure normal people would take a rejection as no big deal and move on. But I take everything as a personal attack or judgment of who I am as a person, it's something I'm working on. At one point when he acknowledged the obvious awkwardly quiet tension in the room he said: "Well I feel like I have to kiss you now to prove something." This made me feel even shittier, cause now it was like he felt pity for me. We talked it out for a bit to better understand each other.
What happened last night woke me up to a realization. I need to start treating my body and mind with more respect. I have often taken care of myself through impulse instead of conscious thought. When I'm hungry I don't think what would make my skin clearer, or what would give me energy, I think what would be the most comforting. When I'm craving human interaction I don't often seek out people who have good intentions. So what did this interaction teach me? Respecting your body is the first step in falling in love with yourself. Sounds like a fundamental thought that most people would already practice but I'm still learning, every day.
I realize my last few posts haven't been really releasing much content in regards to my travels but tomorrow I plan on releasing something fun. Until then, stay happy my friends, sending all of my love from this side of the world.
Neue Bop: Underdog by BANKS
New BANKS music has been released and it's been on repeat for me the past few days. I have loved everything she's released the past two albums and I can't wait to see the direction she's headed with this new one. I'm hoping to see her live in Germany if I'm still here by the end of the month. Happy October!