The Boy from Munich
I have found since I came out as gay I often search for validation through other gay men. It's almost like if I find someone who thinks I'm interesting, who finds me attractive, then I feel okay with myself. As I discovered in my first serious relationship, that doesn't work and it's not a sustainable solution to the problem at hand.
Alright, so if that's not a proper solution, then how do I accept and love myself? It's not as easy of a concept as I make it seem in my head and it's definitely not as easy as some people make it seem. I find myself wanting some sort of list of directions to find that self-love and self-acceptance that people talk of, but I really have no clue what that road looks like.
Last night I got back from Denmark and a boy offered me to crash on his couch. He seems to live a very interesting life, telling me about the time he got a tattoo at a Berlin Fashion Week after party or the time he was at a week-long festival which he got into for free cause of his connections. His apartment is adorned with a pink washing machine and neon signs. He has racks of different clothing, and fancy hats with feathers in them. I wouldn't peg him as your typical Kreuzberg hipster.
At one point during the night, we took a step ladder up to his roof and continued to drink beer. It was a tall and unsteady ladder, and at the top of which he pushed open his sun window onto his roof. You had to pull yourself up through the sunroof and I was certain that I was going to miss it, fall past the ladder, down the stairs and break a few bones while I was at it. But that's just me being overdramatic, I was fine.
When we got up there, the view was incredible. The unobstructed view of Berlin was breathtaking and eerily quiet. There might have been 5 or 6 large buildings in sight, one of which was the Fernsehturm. I was blown away that the view wasn't muddied by a bunch of skyscrapers and apartment buildings like back in Toronto. As the night winded down we discussed our similar childhoods about living in the country away from a major city. We had a lot in common and seemed to be enjoying each others company, so I wasn't surprised when he ended up cuddling with me. He didn't end up staying the entire night, whether I was snoring or stealing the sheets I have no clue.
This morning we walked around Berlin and he wanted to show me Kreuzberg, the hipster area of Berlin. I don't think we exchanged much more than 3 words, anything I was saying he seemed uninterested. Texting on his phone and calling his friends as we walked. I can't help but tell myself the silence is because he isn't interested. At one point during our walk that I still have no clue where we're headed, but he heads into an apartment door, and tells me to wait outside.
That's where I'm writing you. I'm sitting outside his friend's apartment waiting for him to come back. Just to show you how many thoughts I go through, I've already started to make up a story that he's gone into his friend's apartment just to get rid of me. Even though he said yesterday he wanted to show me Kreuzberg. I'm laughing at how outrageous my stories get. My last counselor and I worked a lot on separating the story/narrative I make up from the truth/facts. So, the facts are: He told me he had to go up to his friend's apartment to ask if he could borrow equipment for a photo shoot he's doing today. The narrative: He told me that he's borrowing equipment from a friend but he's actually just hiding up in his friend's apartment long enough that I'll leave.
So as I sit here and wait for him to return I'll keep going back and forth between the facts and the narrative I've created in my head...scratch that, he's back.
Neue Bop: Indian Summer by Shiner ft. Ginger & the Ghost
Well if I didn't make a friend out of this Couchsurfing encounter then atleast I discovered a new artist to listen to, hahah. Love love this music though I can't find much about them as an artist their sound seems to be heavy electronic/trance.