No F*cking Clue
Yesterday my plans to travel to the south of Germany had to be put on pause when I realized my car2go app was no longer working. I tried going in person to resolve it, but even the man there had no idea what was going on. So with that plan on pause, I decided to find a new hostel in Berlin for a couple nights.
I've been finding my anxiety is really starting to dictate my travels. I'm not sure exactly how to explain or describe it, but it's been stopping me from making any concrete plans. I'm starting to think my concept of 'making shit up as I go' was possibly driven by fear of the unknown. Now that I'm actually in Germany, without a plan, I feel stuck.
But then again, maybe that's what this trip is about. I have already done a lot of self-reflection and although it's been difficult at times, I'm starting to see it pay off. Above all, I want to prove to myself that I am not defined by my mental illness. I no longer want my decisions and actions to be motivated by anxiety or weighed down with my depression.
Today has been a rollercoaster of emotions. I received back news from my first interview that I wasn't chosen to move forward. With that window closed, I received a call and another window opened. I have another interview scheduled for Thursday at a different company here in Berlin. I'm trying my best not to let the other interview discourage me but it's inevitable to weigh me down a bit. I know there's a plan for me somewhere out in the universe, I just need to co-operative with the plan. Every day is a new chance for something amazing to happen, so I have to just keep on moving.
I've decided to continue staying in Berlin for another week. I didn't realize how little I thought about what I wanted to do when I got out here. I have a list of attractions throughout Europe that I'd love to see, but I don't think that's the purpose of this trip. I've teetered back and forth trying to decide what I was doing out here. Did I come out here to travel and see things? Did I come out here to work? Why am I here? I'll stop myself before I start with the existential questions of life, but I'm starting to accept the fact that there doesn't have to be a "purpose" of this journey.
Everyone I meet at hostels, or on the street or whatever, will ask me what I'm doing in Berlin. Am I on holidays, am I studying, or working? Everyone is constantly asking me "Why Berlin?" answer is, I don't have a f*cking clue. I felt like it was right, and in the moment I was on Nina's balcony back in the summer, I booked a one-way flight with no plan and that's what I'm living right now. At moment's it's scary as hell, sometimes lonely. Money is stressful. But the fact that I'm still out here overall really enjoying myself, and it's almost October, I've accomplished what my mental illness told me I couldn't do. I'm rambling now. It's 8pm here, and I think I'm going to continue sipping this nitro cold brew coffee in this dimly candlelit café I stumbled upon (who do I think I am? lol) and apply to some more jobs. Stay positive friends, sending lots of love from this side of the world.
Neue Bop: Bedford Falls by Ford.
Just a great song to listen to while working or just needing to relax. The repetitive glitchy melodies of this song paired with the vintage sound cuts make for an amazing track. Gotta credit this discovery to Nina's bomb playlist, where a lot of my new music comes from. Check it oooout, and Subscribe to my Spotify playlist by clicking here.