The Journey is the Destination?
Destination addiction: A preoccupation with the idea that happiness is with the next place, the next job, and with the next partner. Until you give up the idea that happiness is somewhere else, it will never be where you are.” My mom shared this with me a month ago when I was having a difficult time receiving rejections from interviews and I wanted something to go my way.
It's been about three months since I've published anything and the past three months have been difficult. The experiences I had in Europe were extremely rewarding and stimulating. Coming home with all of this passion and excitement I was only slapped in the face with the reality of no job, no car, no school, and the fact that I was living far from most of my friends and any social life. A couple days back home and I ended up getting a job at the casino down the street from my Mom's house. For the first few weeks, I was extremely determined to get a job downtown Toronto. I had a number of initial phone screenings, which lead to in-person interviews, which led to second interviews. I found myself getting overly confident and too comfortable. I was telling myself that I had it in the bag and I had already scouted out an apartment and a move in date and that was the moment I dropped the ball.
After countless rejection emails, I found myself falling back into old thinking patterns. Waking up with the existential dread of leaving my bed to go bus tables at the miserable casino, working with miserable people, watching miserable old people throw away their miserable money. It was only maybe three weeks ago when I got a second wind from my travels. I decided to start my applications to study my Masters of Design. I've always loved being in director/management roles and the idea of teaching design excites me. I knew that my master's applications weren't going to be my only plan because I had made the mistake in the past of putting all of my energy into one thing and having it fall through. The idea of putting all of your eggs in one basket hasn't always rewarded me in the past. With this second wind, I was building my applications and applying to a number of jobs in Toronto and Vancouver like crazy. I was feeling like I had a direction again.
The majority of interviews I went to in Toronto were discouraging. I found myself dressing the part and trying to fit in with the rest of the downtown, all black everything, sleek, hip, design scene. I felt like such a poser going into these interviews talking to these pretentious, too cool for school twenty-something art directors. Don't get me wrong, I'm not salty (Well maybe a bit)–but I don't think Toronto has ever been right for me. I tried for the past four years to try to fit in, even tried at points to try to discover myself, but it just never felt right for me. I'm not saying that I'm too good for Toronto, don't take it that way. I just know now that the city was a source of a lot of my anxieties and insecurities.
Most of the interviews I landed in Vancouver didn't go anywhere as soon as they realized that I was in Ontario. Until I started talking to a retail company in Burnaby, BC. They expressed interest in my portfolio and seemed like the only thing holding them back was my location. I kept ensuring them that it wouldn't be a worry, I would figure it out. It was about a week that the phone call/skype interviews all took place and at the end of the week I had a job offer. They wanted me to be out there in two weeks. I accepted the job offer and the next two weeks were a complete blur and now I'm sitting at a coffee shop on the west coast trying to process this all while I'm hopped up on some pretty strong cold brew.
Running away to another city or province doesn't mean that the problems I had in Ontario won't follow me. But what Europe taught me is that I do some of my best thinking and growing, when I'm put into uncomfortable situations, alone.
So this blog post has been an absolute free for all but I'm excited. Since touching down on Friday I've been nervous as hell, but I'm looking forward to doing some work on myself. I'm hoping to learn to how to obsess less with the destination and enjoy the journey more. The time change and spring weather are already helping with that haha. Thanks for reading friends have a great week!
Neue Bop: Wild Love by James Bay
Ahhh James Bay baby. I've been waiting for him to release new music for awhile now. This track took everything I was expecting to get from him and blew it out of the water. It's got a sense of depth to it, it's layered and electric, I can't get enough of it and I'm excited to see what his album sounds like. Check it out!!